The Wife of A Plumber

… every year you rush through opening the Christmas presents, hoping to finish before the first clogged drain or burst pipe call comes in.
… you don’t get jealous when he says he is going out for some nipples.
… you run your hand down his back, and his spine feels like a relief map of the Rocky Mountains. The wife of a plumber has a husband with a compromised back.
… a broken anything is never cause for worry, because he can fix anything. Even if he says he can’t, what he really means is that he doesn’t want to. Because he really can fix anything.

… he knows deep, dark secrets about everyone in town – from your Dentist to the movie star. After all, he’s been in their basement.
… he never tells.
… you leave him alone for an hour, and return to find an 80 gallon water heater ¬†fully installed and mounted from the ceiling. When you ask how he did it, he responds, “You can learn a lot from the Egyptians.”
… he wasn’t the slightest bit grossed out at the worst of your kids’ diapers.
… he has never been to a family function without being asked to 1) look at the furnace; 2) look down the drain; or 3) smell the smell coming from the shower.
… the hostess at the neighborhood open house hugs your husband long and hard. With tears in her eyes, she thanks him for his help. You see, last week her husband was recovering from surgery. It snowed and snowed and she was trapped in her house. And your husband took a few passes with the snow blower and made sure the main drain was clear. And you never knew about it until the open house
… he travels with his own showerhead and a crescent wrench.
… you’ve pretended not to be insulted when he is presented with yet another plunger-wielding-butt-crack-showing-plumber-on-a-birthday card from a well-meaning friend
… he always knows where the bathrooms are in any building because he noticed the placement of the vent stacks on the way in.
… you’ve seen your child sporting electric tape where a bandage should be.
…you’ve ever been awarded a free nights stay in a beach house because he fixed the toilet
… at least once a week, he gets a call from Mrs. Butterworth. She is old, and cares for her disabled son all by herself. And there is nothing really wrong with her plumbing, but she calls once a week to report some symptom or another. You know she’s just lonely. But your husband always takes the call, and sometimes stops by to make her feel better. And this has been going on for years.
… you’ve learned that few mistakes are as serious as improperly uncoiling a roll of PEX pipe.
… it hurts when someone complains about what your husband charges for his services. You know it’s a bargain because you know how much it costs to know what he knows and be able to do what he does.
… you know you’re going to get lucky if he’s been threading pipe.
… you’ve watched him dismantle a perfectly good toaster because it wasn’t working as well as he thought it should.
… he put the toaster back together again, only now it’s activated by a tekmar outdoor reset control.
…he has ever replaced a perfectly good water heater in your home because he “sensed” it was about to go. Of course he also cut it in half to see if he was right.
…he has ever made enormous “mouse-trap” games out of pvc and marbles
…your sons favorite presents are pretend tools
…you have a hot spigot on the outside of your house………….all four sides
…you are not allowed to use your own garbage disposal
…Cheap import fixtures are as repulsive to him as a foreign car.

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